Bootcamp #6 – Art of Defusing

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Wrap-up to Session 5.

Ugh, I am late again. Still walking towards what I value.  I value doing this work with each and every one of you! So, let’s recap: a few natural disasters, including a family event moved towards me and now, mostly away.  It took a bit of time and now it is eNinja time again!

In session 5, we dived a little deeper into the power of words.  Our thoughts so easily push and pull us in a direction.  Maybe in a direction that we want to go, or perhaps in a direction that we fear. Speaking with many of my clients, this last month has been filled with “force of fear”.  We all faced some powerful actions that we had No control over, witnessing difficult stuff with no real power to intervene.  Thoughts like helpless and hopeless come to my mind.  In another lifetime, I was in the military USAF hospital squadron, in fact.  So the during all of the natural disasters, my mind and body silently screamed, “let’s do this, get ready to deploy”.  Ready to get going, to help and to be useful.  It was a difficult conversation but I did manage to talk my limbic brain down, using my pre-frontal cortex, calmly stating, “stand down, not your job anymore”.

Listening to our minds just like listening to the magnificent Bonnie Raitt or brilliant Adele, can trap us, push us into feeling, or thinking what we ought to be doing – what we should do.  The trap is long, deep and really powerful.  Old habits are hard to break so we will now calmly consider bending them, just a little.  A strong Oak is ready and steady.  A Willow’s strengthen is in its ability to bend with the force, the mighty wind. eNinjas need to bend, be flexible, so they don’t break.  Let’s consider those award winning lyrics for their workability, their flexibility of thought.

  1. Song says: “I can’t make you love me ……if you don’t”.  Let’s consider if each of their “love” is the same? Do we love just like the one we love, or differently?
  1. Song says: “You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” Is it flexible or inflexible to assume? Considering capacity, each of us may feel differently. Huge difference in couple hood of matching each others “got to be a 10”.
  2. Song says: “I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power, but You won’t, no you won’t.” Please define Power.  Each of us have our own meanings for love/power.
  1. Song says: “Give me till then to give up this fight. And I will give up this fight”High emotions have us in our own heads about what is actually in conflict. Couples do this dance, one believes that other is more “right”, in their relationship.

Questions:

  1. So many of you tell me your feelings are real and you can feel these words. I don’t disagree. I want to know what those feelings SUGGEST that you do next?  What message determines your steps, the should’s and musts dos? Do those messages give you permission or take it away?
  2. Feeling powerful feelings are okay, just don’t let feelings take you away from your base. We need to ground ourselves and our strong emotions. Paying attention, in the moment, you will notice whether you are grounded.  Groundlessness is like standing on one wobbly foot.  How mindful, workable are your thoughts and actions when you are standing on shaky ground all on one foot?
  3. We don’t need permission to love or be loved. If you want or need something, please be clear and honest. Both feet firmly on the ground, stand up and ask for what you need, don’t expect anyone to know what you need or how you feel.

Assessing your eNinja progress:

Acquired skills Require Practice. How is your “practicing” going?

Feet on the ground, name the force that stops you from moving forward.

Be Here-Now, not There-Then or What-If.

What matters? State what you LOVE out loud!!!

What is the plan to obtain what you love? What does that actually look like?

Wise habits. Hold up your hand if you are practicing workable habits!

Say this out loud: I choose to talk kindly and respectfully to myself.  My new habit is to support myself in choosing habits that support me and my valued path forward.

 

eNinja Session 6 – Art of Defusing

This is one of the most important eNinja skills.  Learn it, know it, and it will always be with you. Our minds love to tell us what is right, true, good.  Our minds move so fast, they are hard to argue with.  In fact, our existence on this earth has depending on our automatic thinking and knee-jerk reactions.

eN-exercise 11.  Holding on to What You Got.

Eyes closed.  Breathe in and out, in and out, in and out.  Feel grounded.  Put out your dominate hand and make a fist.  Squeeze your fist, tighter, tighter, really tight.  Open your eyes. What do you see?  What can you do with this fist?  You can use it to hit something or someone.  What else?  Okay, now let go of your fist and make your palm face up.  Feel the blood rush back into your hand. It probably tingles a bit.  Now consider your hand a second time.  What can you do with an open hand?  Can you wipe your brow or offer comfort and care to someone in need?

ART of Defusing

Fusion                                                Vs.                                           Defusing

fistPicture1

 

Fusion: separate, detached, distancing

Defusing: willing to consider, open to options, curious
You can get caught, or (con)fused with the thought that something is:

  • The absolute truth
  • A command or rule you have to follow
  • A threat that needs immediate attention
  • The pain of the past, or worry of the future

Defuse:  Letting Yourself and therefore others, Off the Hook
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Defusing is the willingness to have other thoughts, rotate around the globe of thoughts and possibilities:

  • I am having a thought that may, or may not be true
  • I don’t have to obey this thought, it is only a thought
  • I sense an alarm but there is no real smoke
  • My mind produces thoughts, just like it produces neuro-chemicals
  • I can choose what I pay attention to
  • I can watch this thought come and go like waves in the ocean
  • The negative thoughts are Not More True

Workability

Rather than asking, “Is this thought true or false”, begin to ask, “is it workable?”

“Does having this thought help me move towards what I say I value, what I love; or away”

Away <===============[What I Value]=================>Towards

Ask yourself, non-judgmentally and compassionately, “Does this thought support my actions towards what I say I value, what I love?” If not, “What thoughts do I need to consider supporting my actions to move towards what I value?”

ACT

Accept thoughts and feelings, be present;

Choose a valued direction;

Take Action towards what I say I value.

eNinjas are:

Willing to distinguish workable thinking from unhelpful, and unworkable.

Open to considering capacity as a means of acceptance of what is or could be.

Curious how our loved one’s think and feel.  What else could be true?

Able to imagine living a life that follows what they value.

 

Extra Credit:  Watch this YouTube video – Thinking Fast and Slow – Top Ten

See you soon! e )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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